There is an silent, invisible enemy among us. One day you’ll be going about your life, happy as a drunken clam without a care in the world. Then the next day you’re a miserable, whining pile of mucus, living in discomfort and pain that keeps you awake all night.
What is this hidden monster? Pollen. Lousy, stinking pollen. I don’t know where it comes from. Some say it comes from the trees, or maybe it comes from flowers. For all I know it comes from dog farts. What I DO know is that it’s not here in the fall, the winter or a good chunk of the summer. But it sure as hell kicks my ass in May and June.
They say this year’s pollen (along with last year) is especially bad. I don’t who they are or what makes them so smart. But it does make sense, because I never went through any kind of seasonal hell like this before last spring. Maybe it’s climate change or maybe it’s bad luck. I think the trees are simply getting revenge for all of their ancestors we burn to roast marshmallows.
For those who don’t understand what us sufferers go through, I can give a little insight. If you want to “feel” what we’re feeling, just take a handful of cotton balls and stuff them up your nose, cutting off any chance of breathing. And don’t shove any old cotton balls up there… find some special, magical cotton balls that constantly drip snot. Gallons of the shit. All day, all night.
The fun doesn’t end there. Next up find a big poison ivy plant and rub it all over your eyeballs. Be sure to get it right in there on your pupils, the cornea and even on the iris. I guess that’s part of the eye, who really knows. The clogged up, runny nose is just the appetizer; the eye problem is the main course. Your eyes will water and itch, water and itch, water and itch roughly 20 hours out of every day. Naturally you’ll find yourself rubbing and scratching them, trying to get some relief.
The eye rubbing coupled with lack of sleep since you can’t breathe or stop your nose from running all night makes you look like some stoned out extra from The Walking Dead. Or maybe more like The Smoking Dead. Hey, that sounds like a a good name for a funeral home reality show in Colorado.
Anyway…
The good news is there are pills and eye drops you can take to self medicate. But they only do so much, and the minute they run their course the symptoms come back and you have to pop another pill.
By July of last year things had improved and the Potent Pollen Plague had finally ended, so the countdown is on: four… more… days. Hang in there my fellow snifflers.
~JH